Just Go With It
I honestly am not sure what I'm wanting to express in this.. HA. Bet you can't wait to keep reading.. (cue the agonizing wails of my middle school teachers, "Your first sentence should capture the reader!!!!")
So.. bear with me as I sort of let my conscious flow through my fingers.. c'mon, it'll be FUN! ;)
I guess..I feel a bit..blasé? But like, the best blasé? I don't know. (<-- if you know me, you know this is essentially my mantra.. I can't make decisions.) But, this is such a calm, great place to be in.. there's nothing wrong, and there may not be a crazy high, but I feel so good.
I've been sitting in such a beautiful place the past few months. And - on paper - there was no real evidence to support that happy, beautiful feeling: I was running around, juggling three or four jobs, going into auditions and not booking anything, cutting off a lot of my social life because I had no spare energy to give.. and yet... I'm probably the happiest I've ever been? Wut. Just thinking about it now, I'm smiling. Y'all this is magical!
--- And as I construct this, the lady across from me is trying to book a flight to St. Louis (my hometown! ..she's blonde, blue and smiley..hmm..).. oh and there are two other people in the exact same patterned shirt as me. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. This universe is inSANE like that. ---
OMG. ok. I just have so much running through my head that I don't know how to get it all out! HAHA you should see me right now. My face is a strange mixture of smizing, anxiety, squinting, contemplation.. This is what I get for not taking the time to write more frequently.
Anyway: I don't know exactly how or when it clicked, but I recently just really started to sit into this cute, lil happy place. I seriously searched for all the wonderful things that WERE happening, and allowed myself to find complete contentment in that. (I'm aware, before I even try to continue, that I'm not making much sense. Lolz. #help)
Lots of jobs to make ends meet? Well, honestly there's something so satisfying about that NYC hustle and it'd been nearly two years since I'd partaken in that so I'm enjoying it! Not getting the gig from an audition? I seriously couldn't care because I'm letting myself have so much fun in the room, expressing myself as a performer, just enjoying the material I'm getting to work on. Lacking a social life? ..but I'm SO happy chillin' with the roomie, making dinner, eating ice cream (which I've developed a serious addiction to.. I honestly need help here.) and just allowing myself to recharge each night at home. (and you KNOW this is an out-of-body experience for this socially charged Libra)
So......somehow...none of my "issues" or "struggles" were even a problem.. (Remember from March?! "no more problems!") All of these things ended up feeling... idk.. like things I had to take care of, yet still enjoy?! And I swear, because I was just loosening up that grip on myself, things were flowing to me, just making everything more fun! The people I was meeting at these random jobs were great and our conversations were enlightening! The things I was learning/experiencing: fun and priceless. My rent check getting lost in the mail (when it might've honestly bounced) and not having to send in a new check until that tax return had come in? Literally priceless. The bizarre run-ins with people (some of whom I've never even met - but just exist to me on social media) on the street, at restaurants, at events, at work.. The number of "Matt's" I've met recently? ..it's psychedelic.
Idk folks. Maybe you're not quite into some of this "just like, be like, super happy, and like, idk, like, things'll just like, work out" stuff. And you don't have to be; to each his own! BUT. I just think there's beauty and strength in just chilling the F*** out!! All of our "issues".. making money, finding love, having that perfect job and living space.. ...we only want that stuff because we think it'll make us feel better.. (and it can! and there's NO shame in that, whatsoever.) But...we can feel "better" without it..
Random story time: I got off the subway last night and watched this young, blind lady gracefully navigate herself out of the station, and I was like, "WOW, WUT. How does she get through her walk home, let alone a full DAY in this city?!" She's so not the first blind person I've encountered here but, I'm over here stressing about the fact that I want ice cream for like the 100th night in a row, but probably shouldn't, and that I have to get up early to work ..meanwhile, she's over here COUNTING the steps she's taking (which, let's be real, she already has that memorized) just to make sure she doesn't bump in to anything on her way home. And I don't believe in "my shit stinks worse than yours" because we all have our things to unpack, but I mean.. what a spectacular reminder about perSPECtive.
SO yeah...I can SEE. Sooo I THINK I can find a way to enjoy my walk home from the train.. and I think I can find a way to enjoy my general place in life right now. Not too hard compared to memorizing the number of steps in every staircase I use throughout a day. But it's natural that we want all these extra things that will make us even happier. AND, there's no end to it because we will always always always want more. It's how life works. You get a promotion and a raise - now you just want the next position/pay-scale! You've had an iPhone7.. now you want that X! (Do it; the most beautiful thing I've ever owned.) And it's not because we're greedy - it's because we want to keep evolving and expanding, striving for something! It's actually super beautiful. But the point that I'm starting to stray from is this:
we can never really be satisfied, like 100%.. soo are you gonna be bitter about the fact that you're sitting over here without those things you don't have yet, orrrr are you gonna love that you've gotten to where you are and look forward with the most gung-ho, childish giddiness and eagerness as you scheme up how fun this next lil journey's gonna be...?
I bet I know your answer. ;)
I'll just wrap up this BIZARRE rambling with the fact that this all makes me so so happy. I don't have it all figured out (and I never will) but I'm discovering my unshakable happiness, strength and creativity, and feel a strong desire to share. I hope something here made you smile, pause, think, and smile some more. I feel I went a little rogue with the whole blind lady tidbit but sometimes you gotta go rogue? Idk. Help.
Luv you. You so got this. You MORE than got this.
Happy freakin' Thursday.